It's still dark as I rise up and open the front door to let the breeze into the still warm house.
Even the birds haven't quite awakened yet as I feel the lovely fresh coolness--which won't be found all day, nor yesterday, in this deep summer heat in the desert of Baja California del Sur. Something is different. I'm by myself for the first time, well the second time, in decades.
But the first time I was busy freaking out and trying not to be alone. This time a memory, a voice, woke me up and as can happen in the middle of the night, several key things kept going through my mind.
"It's going to take you ten years." she said. She is an international leader for families and I was having a conversation with her on the phone nine years ago.
"It's going to take you ten years." "It's going to take you ten years." "It's going to take you ten years." "It's going to take you ten years."
This phrase, her words, and the recollection as though she were saying it now to me as I stretched out again onto my darkened soft bed embracing the breeze and the beginning sounds of a stirring village.
And though at the time it sounded so strange. How could it take me ten years? Aren't I ready now? Don't you just need a building and a few people? Why is she saying ten years. What's the magic number with ten?
Now I could see how I'd been swayed by so many other people and lifestyles over that time period, but how part of me--sometimes a mere thread--had continued the work of releasing all that had hurt me. I'd continued the work of transforming; but in this case transforming to my original baby-self--the part of me that had never been hurt and that no one really could damage--but that still, all the same, needed to be healed.
All that time--almost ten years and now I realized that others had told me--others who had credentials and were very successful--had told me I wasn't ready. They almost seemed pleased to tell me I wasn't ready.
Not this lady. No, she told me I could do it. She told me I could keep her in my back pocket and lead parent groups and do whatever I wanted. But it would be ten years before I would be ready to have a family center like she had.
I heard her voice on the computer last night in a short video about kids.
What struck me is her lack of ego. There was no sound of it in her voice. Only intelligent caring.
When you put the kids first you don't really care how you look or sound. You ONLY care about the kids--you only care how you look, act and sound in the sense of it being genuine, true, rational because that is the only way the tools you have can help someone else.
She is not the first human being I've admired.
But the theme of who I've followed and who has caused me fits within myself and upheavals in my life because I wasn't "ready" (as much as I desperately wanted to be I wasn't) are simply people who devote their life to helping out while at the same time working very hard on evolving and being the best person they could be.
That's gonna take me ten years no doubt. *grins*
When you get that confirmation in the middle of the night it doesn't come around that often. It's a way you might've had once or twice before where you wake in the night with a solution to something you only half-awarely knew was really bugging you.
You hear of people waking up and writing whole books in the night.
You hear of waking from a dream where some long-elusive solution was had randomly.
Well, this is what has happened for me this dawn. The doves now are cooing, and the fishermen's cars have started and driven to the marina ...
It has given me footwork for the next few months. It has given me a list of who to call today and what inquiries to make. It has given me the longterm awareness of what the Universe is creating through me. It has given me the joy of knowing deep inside a joy that will be shared with my own kids.
I wouldn't say it gave me a complete business plan and outline because that voice dovetails with that of Dara and Markus Rothkranz interview the night before.... "Wherever you go what you need will be there. Just take some green mix. That is all" :-)
What this waking abruptly this morning to "It will take you ten years." "It will take you ten years." gave me is a vision that I'd had all along but couldn't bring to the surface of my consciousness. It gave me the openness to know that no matter how many people I bring into this it will never ever take my own job away.
You see I suddenly realized that inviting people here builds it up. There are people in this world who live wholly from fear trying to protect all they've built up but it only makes it smaller and stops healing force from spreading to abundance in the hills and valleys around them.
This waking reaffirmed that playing small does not serve the world but neither does playing grandiose.
And bringing in people, expanding one's horizons and broadening who one can reach with health practices and listening tools is not grandiose. It's not egotistical, it's not fantastic nor out of reach. It's not an illusion or a dying dream.
It's what you want. It's what speaks to you. It's what people keep looking to you for and they see it in your eyes before you do.
It's what you are meant to do.
That's what a dream is. It's one that has been there all along if you look back and sort through all the detours, heartache and self-doubt.
It's one that you once or twice might have shouted into a pillow.
And maybe into the wind.
And suddenly you see that everything you've done up to this point has prepared you for that.
And who you are jumps off the page, jumps out of bed, and there it is.